My dad passed away two weeks before Christmas. Reading those words still feels surreal. Seems like he's just a phone call away. In another room. Someplace I can still find him and tell him about my latest victory and hear "atta girl!" one more time.
In January I started a brand-new career at a time when lots of smart people are getting out of the field. When every night on the news you hear how bad things are in the industry. "Worst ever!!"
My sweet girl, my constant, furry confidante, the creature closest to a child I'll ever have.. left my side. It's not natural to make a decision to end the life that you've spent over 18 years nurturing. But it was time to do what was kind for her.. even if it was excruciating for me.
I finally made the decision to end my marriage. No- that's not the truth. I finally verbalized to my husband the desire to be separate, although I'd been hatching the plan and fitting the puzzle pieces together for a longer than I'd ever tell him. Most arduous has been determining how I would support myself.. being that I've been financially dependent on him since quitting my full time job to go to school for one field, move back to my hometown, start another job, and go back to school once more for another field. The gods who look over newbie realtors smiled a bit on me this summer and I did pretty well.. enough to save up some cash. In the big picture, not nearly enough to get by on for long, but I suppose the shadow of homelessness hanging over me will inspire me to new levels of financial creativity, spartanism and nose-to-the-grindstone determination to make money. I have been told I'm crazy, foolish, for setting myself up for disaster. That I need a 'regular' full time job with benefits. That I need more cash. That I should live with someone to split expenses (that's the definition of a roommate .. I'm on the downward slope of almost 40, guys.. I've had over 15 roommates/co-habitators in my life and lived on my own for only 9 months my entire life.. I think you hear what I'm saying). And these are just the things I've told myself! Not even mentioning the queer looks from those in the know.
But, I'm going out on my own, and the real, deep-down truth is, I can't fucking wait. I think about it all day, every day. About the freedom, the lack of guilt if... whatever.. I come home late or if I sleep till 11am or watch a Real Housewives marathon or want to buy a crazy silver robot lamp. I like the robot lamp, therefore I will buy it - unless I guilt myself out of it, because Christ, that is a whole month of internet service, it's a tank of gas !! and if I can't pay that bill at the end of the month, I will hate that robot lamp. But it will be my f*up and I will own it. Now, this is not to say that I'm looking forward to this process my husband and I are starting. It's sad. There was such hope in the beginning. I don't actually remember the last time I felt that hope. This split has been coming for a long time, yet we haven't even reached our 5th anniversary (11 days away.. God, can we just skip from the 26th right to the 28th, please?). I don't have the stamina to rehash all the wrongs along the way, but, suffice it to say, this is absolutely the right thing to do and neither of us (well, for sure not me) will look back with uncertainty when it's all said and done. Still, it's sad.
I do love my husband. Just no longer like a wife should.
I'll miss being someone's wife. And I'll miss saying 'my husband'. There's such solidity to those words .. despite the rocky ground the marriage inhabits.
I'll miss the house, which I cannot afford. It's laughable. The mortgage payment is my entire monthly budget. He gets to shoulder the debt, which he can more easily afford without supporting me.. and therefore gets the security of a street address that is his own.. completely. I get.. zero debt and zero security. But I have a sky-high credit score, which I'll protect like a hungry lion over a fresh kill. I also have an 8 year old SUV and a long laundry list of expensive necessities to buy. It looks as though I will not have a tv to begin with (there goes the Real Housewives marathon scenario!) In theory, I will spend more time at work and more time exercising. Or rather, I will spend time exercising. I purposely found an apartment complex with a workout facility so that I would eliminate the "the treadmill isn't plugged in" excuse from my repertoire. We'll see how that goes.
There's so much more to say about my dad. And my dog. And life in general. I have so much noise in my head. I don't write much.. mostly because I abhor the results. But I figure that if it's so noisy in my cranium with all the decisions, the worries, the sad, the relief, the plans, the wtf-am-I-thinking?s.. that I can't even stand to have the radio on in my car most days.. then I need to drain some of this. This is for me. Not likely to be found or read by anyone else. This is my spew. If it's stumbled upon by someone at some point, so be it.
PS.. this explains why I didn't buy the robot lamp today:
Pisces February 19-March 20
Tuesday, Sep 16, 2008
You might find yourself longing for a greater sense of personal and financial freedom today. Just be careful that you don't end up spending too much money on things you don't really need right now. You might be a little impatient and you could feel like taking a few risks right now.
Even if you’re feeling ready to make some important decisions and spring into action today, try to exercise some caution and take a little time to see how things unfold. You should be giving a lot more thought to your long-term financial situation right now. And some new or improved opportunities could be popping up on the job front as well.
K. Good to know.
